


Runway

by ItaLolita



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha is actually nice in this one, Agatha is too good for this world, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anorexic!Baz, Anorexic!Niall, Anxiety, Baz is beautiful, Baz needs help, Bulimia, Bulimic!Dev, Could be triggering, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I just really love this AU okay, I’m so sorry, M/M, Makeup Artist!Penelope, Model!Agatha, Model!Baz, Modeling AU, Penelope has tattoos because yes, Photagrapher!Simon, Read at Your Own Risk, Recovery from Eating Disorder, Self Harm, Simon is clueless, Sleep Deprivation, Sour Cherry Scones, Starving, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempts, Thank Crowley for Penelope Bunce, These tags are in no particular order, You should try listening to Halsey’s Gasoline while you read this, adorable boyfriends, bear with me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22971640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItaLolita/pseuds/ItaLolita
Summary: Baz seems like he’s perfect: He’s a beautiful model, he’s extremely intelligent, and everyone loves him. Simon Snow hates him for this, and for stealing away his girlfriend, Agatha. Little does he know that Baz has his own dark secrets ready to be uncovered.
Relationships: Simon Snow & Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	1. Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work that I’ve ever posted, so I hope you enjoy it. Constructive criticism is EXTREMELY welcome (especially when you feel the characterization isn’t right), but I might not reply right away. 
> 
> TW: this fic has mentions and sometimes detailed descriptions of anorexia, bulimia, cutting, self-inflicted sleep deprivation, depression, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts/attempts. If any of those sound remotely triggering to you, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. This project is my way of coping with all of the things on this list, but I don’t want anyone to make themselves feel worse or fall back into harmful behavior patterns after reading my work.
> 
> Thanks in advance for reading this!

**SIMON**  
Penny was ranting about a lack of diverse skin tones in concealer, but I wasn’t really listening, just staring at the intricate flowers (lavender and camellias) inked in black across her arms and chest. She was wearing violet lipstick and shimmering lilac eyeshadow that complimented her chartreuse dyed hair and her green-tea contacts. She looked beautiful, and she wasn’t even the one on camera. I looked like a mess in comparison, wearing a white button-down that wasn’t buttoned correctly, a forest-green hoodie, and too-loose jeans cuffed at the ankles. My sneakers were permanently untied and my hair was a haphazard mess of unruly strawberry-blond curls.

The two of us sipped our incredibly weak breakroom tea (Penny put in three tea bags and it was still basically just pompous water) and waited until 10:00, when the models were scheduled to arrive. Almost immediately after the clock hit ten, the doors opened and the buzz of activity around us halted suddenly. Two statuesque beauties walked in. One was Agatha, an angel with milky white skin, waist-length platinum-blonde hair, and wide honey-brown eyes. She shot me a shy smile and a flirtatious wink before turning away to talk to the production manager. After her, an ethereally beautiful man sauntered into view. Baz. Skin even paler than Agatha’s, almost anemic; shoulder-length ebony hair that dangled in front of his face, and silver eyes with hints of blue and green around the pupil. I’d almost never seen him without an arrogant smirk plastered across his perfect lips.

The two of them looked like the perfect couple, the kind everyone was envious of. Just thinking about it sent a stab of jealousy through my heart. Agatha was my girlfriend, and she loved me, but I was always afraid of losing her to Baz, who was infinitely better than me in every way. I didn’t have much time to linger on my own self-pity before Penny whisked both models to get fitted and go through hair and makeup. She pushed the two of them into the dressing room before pulling out her kit and laying out concealer, foundation, lipstick, and other things I’m sure she must have taught me the names of before but that I couldn’t recall at the moment.

I sighed and unpacked my camera and lenses, lugging my equipment over to the plain white backdrop with a single black high-backed chair in front of it and set up, waiting for the torture to come. I sat in front of my camera, letting my mind resettle on Baz. God, I hated him. I hated his perfect skin and perfect body. I hated how smart he was and how he made everyone laugh. I hated that he and Agatha always seemed to be working together. I hated that some dark, hidden part of me just wanted to be close to him.

Within half an hour, which seemed like seconds to me, the models were ready. Agatha walked in front of the camera and I bolted upright. She looked beautiful- wearing a long, lacy white dress with off-the shoulder sleeves tied at the waist with a snow white ribbon. She had sparkling white eyeshadow, winged white eyeliner, and white lipstick on. Even her mascara was white. A crown of white roses was balanced on her head. It looked stunning, and I was transfixed for a moment until Baz emerged. He’s in a pitch-black suit, the jacket embossed with a shining black rose pattern. He’s wearing high-heeled boots that make him even taller. When I got to his face I nearly shivered. Perfectly applied black eyeliner accentuated his breathtaking eyes and his lips were coated in lipstick so black that they barely reflected any light. I shook my head and blinked. I told myself I’m just jealous that he’s the one working with Agatha since his appearance puts mine to shame.

The producers started instructing them into certain poses. First Agatha sat with perfect posture in the chair and Baz leaned against the wall with his arms and ankles crossed. Their eyes met and they stared intensely at each other. _It’s just for the camera_ , I reminded myself, snapping the first shot. Then they stood and pretended to dance, with Baz holding up Agatha’s arm as she stood twirling. I caught a shot as her skirt swirled and billowed around her, and I pretended not to notice how Baz’s eyes were locked onto her. Then Baz sat in the chair and Agatha sat between his legs and leans into his chest. Both of their eyes closed. Baz wrapped one arm around her waist and held her arm aloft with the other and presses a kiss into her wrist. My stomach dropped to the floor.

I reluctantly clicked the camera and tried not to focus on how Agatha leaned into his touch, how when Baz was done he didn’t even leave a lipstick stain, because of course he didn’t. For a second I’m not sure who I’m even jealous of, but I push it out of my mind. Baz is evil. He’s rude and arrogant and he hates me. And he’s the one holding Agatha, my girlfriend, in his annoyingly perfect arms. A few more poses followed, but I turned my brain off. Point and click, that’s basically what my job was there.

When the shoot was wrapped, Baz promptly pulled himself off Agatha and retreated to the dressing room. Agatha frowned and followed him, a little too quickly. Agatha returned after ten minutes, wearing a cherry-blossom print sundress, snowy makeup intact but ever-so-slightly smudged. She’d obviously been talking to Baz, because her pale face was flushed and her eyes were watering. “Hey, what’s wrong, babe?” I asked, wrapping my arms around her and secretly hoping that Baz had done something to snap her out of her delusions that he was a good person.

She sighed and pushed my arms away. “Simon, we need to talk.” She led me to the breakroom couch and sat down next to me. “Simon,” she said, stretching out the syllables, “we’ve been dating for three years now. And I think we need a break. Maybe not forever, but…” She looked away, avoiding my eyes.

I tried to make sense of what was happening. Agatha couldn’t be breaking up with me. We were supposed to be together forever. I was supposed to win out over Baz, and then we’d get married, and have kids, and live happily ever after.

 _Baz._ This was about Baz.

“You’re leaving me for Baz?”

Agatha flinched, and then a look of anger spread across her face, twisting her delicate features into a grotesque mask of fury. “For Christ’s sake, Simon! Everything isn’t about your stupid little rivalry! I’m not some prize for you to win! Open your eyes!”

With that, she snatched up her purse and turned on her heel, storming away and out the door. Leaving me all alone, mind still reeling with confusion. I felt the tears streaming down my face and I tried to stop thinking, like I always do when things get difficult. I would fix this. We’d still have our happy ending. I could fix everything.

My head snapped up at the sound of the dressing room door creaking open. Baz, wearing a scowl across his painted black lips, emerged in a loose black shirt patterned with red and white flowers and too-tight black skinny jeans. Of course he still looks beautiful, even when he’s taking everything from me.

I stalked over to him, wiping my tears with the back of my sleeve. I was going to kill him.

 **AGATHA**  
I rushed to the dressing room after Baz. I was concerned about him. The dark circles under his eyes, however expertly hidden by Penelope’s makeup skills, revealed that he obviously hadn’t slept in days, and he looked… barely there. He looked like he could be knocked over by a gentle push, or like he would faint any second. And he was obviously having some issue with Simon. He kept glaring at him, cursing under his breath.

When I got through the door, Baz was sitting on the floor, slumped against a wall. He was breathing deeply, chest rising and falling steadily. “What do you want, Wellbelove?” he spat out, but it sounded half-hearted and weak.

“What is your problem with Simon?” I questioned accusatorily. “I have nothing against Snow. Someone’s a little too defensive of their boyfriend,” he replied coolly, rolling his eyes. I clenched my fists. “You’re jealous of him. You want to be with me, and he’s in the way. Isn’t that right?” I shot back. He looked away and mumbled something under his breath. I heard it, just barely, and I took a step back in response.

 _”Why do you assume he’s the one I’m jealous of?”_  
The muttered question echoed through my mind until it started to make sense. “You’re jealous of me? But that means- Holy shit.” Baz hid his face in his hands.

“Holy shit, you’re in love with Simon,” I repeated, incredulous. My face flushed and I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I blinked them away. Baz was in love with my boyfriend. What did that mean? I wasn’t even sure I was in love with Simon. But if I wasn’t sure, should we even be in a relationship? Was Simon in love with Baz? Thousands of questions spun around in my head, screaming at me.

I ran behind a partition and changed quickly, then ran out of the dressing room, confused and upset. I didn’t take the time to look at Baz’s face.

And then I broke up with Simon.

I’m not sure why I did it. Maybe I just thought that there were obviously people who loved him more than I did. And the more I thought, the more I realized how unhappy I was with him. He was always talking about Baz, obsessing over him. He just saw me as his happy ending.

And I was done being someone’s happy ending.


	2. The Sickening Spotlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agatha and Simon just broke up, and they still have to work together. But they must put their difficulties aside when it becomes apparent just how much Baz needs help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A VERY TRIGGERING CHAPTER. If you are triggered by eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks, or fainting, please skip this chapter. There will be a less triggering summary at the end. Stay safe, everyone.

**PENELOPE**

Simon was sulking. A full-on childish pout. He’d nearly ripped Baz’s head off only two days ago before I pulled him away under the pretense of needing help packing up my makeup kit. Now he sat with arms crossed, lips in an immovable pout, wrapped in the same hoodie he’d been wearing for the past month. I’d had to be careful about mentioning either Baz or Agatha around him, but seeing as we all work for the same agency and the two models always work together, it was impossible to avoid seeing them.

When Baz and Agatha arrived, I ushered them to the dressing room and they returned in matching couple’s outfits. Agatha came out in a red linen collared button-down and black skinny jeans embroidered with red poppies. Baz matched, but in cobalt blue with blue pansies stitched into the denim. They looked, once again, like the perfect couple. I pulled the two of them to the makeup chairs and set to work. Agatha received bright red lipstick that made her look even more seductive than usual. Baz got pure blue winged eyeliner that turned his cold glare into an irresistible expression. This was what I loved about makeup. I could transform anyone into anything that was required. It was like magic.

Simon practically growled when he saw Baz, turning away quickly to pretend to do something with his camera. I rolled my eyes.  _ He’d better get over himself soon. _

The shoot was for a couple’s fashion magazine, so it involved a lot of holding hands and kisses on the cheek. Simon kept grimacing and then straightening up, as if reminding himself:  _ She’s not yours anymore. _

Baz seemed very uncomfortable. He visibly flinched away from Agatha’s touch a few times, and his movements were very slow and stiff. My mind flashed back to the ever-present dark circles under his eyes and how loosely the clothes fit him. He was probably just sick, but a part of me wondered if something else was going on.

Then a new instruction came. “Baz, could you take off your shirt? We’re going for a seductive angle here, it might help.” Baz froze. Several seconds passed, and he seemed to be weighing his options. Why was he so reluctant? Finally he seemed to resign himself and he slowly unbuttoned the shirt and… Oh.

The room plunged into silence. Everyone held their breath and stared. Baz’s body was a horror scene. His ribs and collarbones stuck out grotesquely, every bone visible under sickly pale, stretched skin. As our eyes moved to his stomach, several people gasped and flinched in disgust and horror. His entire stomach was a sickening tapestry of thin, bloody red scars, some forming words, including “FAT” and “UGLY” and “WORTHLESS.” Baz wrapped his arms around his torso, as if to hide, but it was too late. We had all seen.

And I knew I needed to do something.

**BAZ**

They were all staring at me.  _ Now they all know how fat and disgusting you are. They all know you’re a failure.  _ I felt my breathing pick up, and I wrapped my arms around my chest in an attempt to make them look away, but their stares remained fixed on my stomach. My eyes flicked upward to Simon, but I couldn’t quite see him through the tears that suddenly found themselves filling up my eyes. 

Before I knew it, I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for air but none came. I dropped to my knees and covered my face with my hands, trying to keep myself from focusing on the horrified faces all around me. My face was wet with tears and my lip was bleeding from biting it too hard.  _ Just breathe. _

I felt someone’s arms around me, along with a soothing voice murmuring comforting words that went on one ear and out the other.  _ Penelope, _ I realized, pressing myself against her chest. Her thick, curly hair draped over me, and I hid in her arms. A second pair of hands placed themselves on my back, rubbing circles in my skin and whispering my name. “Baz, breathe,” Agatha repeated again and again, moving one hand to pull my hands away from my face and squeeze them reassuringly.

I tried to obey the girls’ words, I tried to calm down. But the more I tried to breathe deeply, the faster I hyperventilated. I felt like I was drowning. I tried to ask for help in desperation, but no words would come out. I was trapped.  _ There’s no escape. I’m trapped. Everyone hates me. I’m a failure. _ Thousands of words sped through my thoughts, distressing me even further. I was at the point of no return.

And then the world went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who skipped this chapter:  
> Simon is being grumpy because of the breakup. Baz has to take off his shirt for a photoshoot, revealing a malnourished (anorexic) body and some not-nice words that he cut into his stomach. Everyone is horrified and Baz has a panic attack. Agatha and Penelope try to comfort him, but he ends up passing out from lack of oxygen and being rushed to the hospital.


	3. Be Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly filler, but don’t worry! The next chapter is a big one! Anyway, expect some angst. Everyone feels hurt right now, and they’re all handling it in different ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update! I had some personal stuff to work through, and my anxiety has been making it hard to do much of anything recently. But I hope you enjoy anyway. Also, TW: Hospitals, mentions of eating disorders and self harm, some hurtful arguing. Stay safe!

**SIMON**

Baz was lying limp in Penny’s arms when I felt my whole body go cold.  _ Baz. Perfect Baz.  _ Perfect, good-at-everything, likable Baz, just fainted from hyperventilation. Having a panic attack. Because everyone saw that he was starving and cutting himself. What was happening?

Someone called 999. I just stood there, staring. He was still shirtless, obviously, but Penny was protectively shielding him. Her expression was equivalent to a mother’s, full of concern and worry and panic. I stared at his collarbone, sticking out so far he looked like one of those fake skeletons in a high school science class. And yet he decided to permanently carve “FAT” into his stomach? 

My mind was blank and racing at the same time. An ambulance came, Baz was lifted onto a stretcher, Penny rode in the back with him. I remained in place as a storm of tension swirled around me.

“Simon, come on!” Agatha called, keys in hand. She was glaring at me like I’d just kicked a puppy. “We’re going to the hospital to check on Baz.” 

I stared blankly at her. We were enemies, right? It was me against her and Baz. And now I had to go with her to see him because he was stupid enough to collapse at a shoot?

She scanned over my face and blinked. “You don’t have to be enemies with everyone, Simon. No one wants to hurt you.”

So I followed her to her car. We drove in silence. Then we waited in the waiting room until a nurse told us Baz could have visitors.

Penny was already there, holding onto Baz’s hand. Baz was asleep, but not  _ still  _ asleep. He must’ve woken up for the examination and then fallen asleep again. He looked frail, fragile almost.

I wasn’t used to thinking of him like this. Like he was breakable. Baz was supposed to be unbreakable. Always so solid. Always brave, facing every difficulty with courage. 

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I traded standing awkwardly for sitting awkwardly next to his bed. My eyes traced patterns over his skin, over his malnourished features.  _ Baz. What happened to you? _

**BAZ**

I woke to the harsh lights of the hospital, and to Penny holding my hand. I tried to muster a small smile to thank her, but my face felt heavy. Heavy breathing alerted me to the presence of another individual in the room. Blue eyes met mine and my heart stopped.

_ Simon. _

I took a moment to collect myself, to formulate a plan. “Hello, Snow, how nice of you to come,” I greeted him coolly. He frowned, and it was beautiful. Everything about him was just so beautiful.

“Cut the crap, Baz,” he seethed. “You just collapsed, quit acting so damn superior.” He broke eye contact, leaning back in his chair and sighing. Agatha and Penny were glaring at him.

My hope fizzled immediately. Of course he wasn’t concerned, what an idiotic idea. He just hates me. I swallowed thickly, hiding my disappointment. “Why does it matter to you?” I shot back. 

“Because you’re starving yourself. And carving insults into your skin. And that’s not fucking normal.” He shot me a look, daring me to contradict him. I couldn’t find anything to say.

Penny stepped in. “Simon, he didn’t exactly ask for this. Maybe be nice for once.” Agatha nodded severely. He just shrugged and looked away.

Then a woman entered the room. A tall woman wearing 3-inch heels with messy brunette curls. She held a clipboard like a shield in front of her chest, her expression calm with a hint of frustration.

“So, Mr. Pitch. I see we have a few -problems- here. Do you want your friends in the room for this?” She said, glancing around the room. I shook my head. Penny wasn’t going to let go anyway. “Well you obviously have an extreme self-harm problem. These scars are probably permanent, and they’re not pretty, to say the least. You’re also extremely malnourished. That was probably the main contributing factor in your collapse earlier. How much do you eat on an average day?”

“Not as much as I should, I guess. I just get distracted,” I lied through my teeth. I didn’t want them -Simon- to know what I did every day. Water fasting for days, then the inevitable binge. And what came after. Purging until I couldn’t anymore, until I was sure I was completely emptied out.

She cocked a single eyebrow, obviously unbelieving. “Really? Because it seems that you, sir, have a not-so mild case of Anorexia Nervosa. And bulimia too, if my suspicions are correct. If you’re not straight with me, I have no choice but to immediately transfer you to an intensive inpatient recovery center.”

I felt myself stiffen. Simon shifted in his seat, Agatha coughed quietly, Penny’s grip on my hand tightened. Fear pulsed through my veins, adrenaline coursed through my bloodstream.  _ No. I can’t do that. I can’t let them feed me, make me fat. Fatter than I already am. _

I felt myself breaking. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” I replied, feeling the words breaking into sobs. Fat tears rolled like raindrops down my cheeks, soaking my flushed face. “I’m so sorry.”

Penny nearly crushed my hand. I could practically feel the discomfort rolling off of Snow in waves. Wellbelove hid her face behind a curtain of cornsilk-blonde hair. And I sat there and cried.

“Thank you for your honesty. Now, just a few more questions. Do you have any medical allergies? Any pre-existing conditions?”

I just stared at her. Eventually she gave up and left the room. “I’ll be back, Mr. Pitch. We have a lot to discuss.”

The silence remained for several minutes. Penny coughed politely. “Baz, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you obviously have a problem. You need help. Maybe this recovery center could actually help,” she said matter-of-factly. 

I pulled my hand away and hid my head in my hands. “I’m fine. I would’ve been fine. I have it all under control.” I fought the urge to rock back and forth.

“You can keep telling yourself that, but I think you know the truth. Anorexia is serious, Baz.”

“Anorexia is  _ the most deadly _ mental disorder. That’s what they tell every girl when they get into modeling. You don’t have to do -that- to be beautiful,” Agatha interjected.

I felt like crying, but I didn’t have anything left. No tears, no words, no thoughts. Just empty.

I had given up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I’m glad some people are enjoying something I never thought I could show anyone. You all give me something to look forward to. So thank you.
> 
> And as always, comments are welcome, constructive criticism especially.


	4. I’m really sorry

I really didn’t want to do this because I really love this story, but I’ve decided to put this fic on hold. Coronavirus has made it really hard for me to keep writing on a regular schedule as I’m going through a bit of situational depression. Don’t worry, I’m medicated and in therapy, but some things are just harder for me to do right now. To make up for it, I’m going to be writing the rest of this fic at my own pace and then publishing chapters daily once it’s done, so you have that to look forward to. I’m really sorry guys, but please stay tuned because I promise I have great things planned.


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